Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Small penises have feelings too.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
