why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
