I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
