you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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