They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
