I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
