zippers are such a cool invention
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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