Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
