the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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