youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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