yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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