when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
jump out the window naked night went bad
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