i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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