Just fell off a train. Bad.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
