and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
