Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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