so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
