I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
