I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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