I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
