I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
