I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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