you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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