You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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