does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Who died my cat blue again?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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