You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
