I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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