Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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