the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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