Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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