I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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