dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
