there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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