I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
