I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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