my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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