she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
