weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
