Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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