college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
