In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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