Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
