I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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