There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
