So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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