New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
