Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
