Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am available for nakedness
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
