I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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