Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
