My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
